This article also appeared on the Huffington Post on the eve of the Mayoral election.
Dear Mr Goldsmith or Mr Khan (because let’s be honest, it won’t be George Galloway),
We’re really excited that you’re the new Mayor of London. Perhaps even more excited than you are judging by your campaigns.
We’re particularly pleased that you’re the new Mayor because Lola’s fifth birthday is soon and now Mr Johnson is freed up to come and do the entertainment. He seems like somebody who could make a really good balloon puppy.
Daddy read us your manifestos. They weren’t very interesting. Not many pictures and the ones there were just showed you and your friends. Mina would have liked more textures too. She thought the grey patches in your hair were touchy-feely bits and was upset when she released they weren’t. Still, she enjoyed sucking the leaflets that came through the front door. Now she’s chewed them it’s hard to tell which is from Mr Goldsmith and which is from Mr Khan, although Daddy says it was hard to tell before she got hold of them.
Anyway, lots of people will be telling you their ideas now you’re Mayor but we thought we’d get in early to help you during your first few weeks in the job.
Houses for everyone
Most people we know have a house. Some have more than one. Perhaps they had too many toys and one got full up. Mummy says we’re almost at that stage now.
With all of these people with two houses, we’re a bit worried that there won’t be any left for us by the time we need one. The closest we’ll get to living in London will be sharing a beach hut in Whitstable with a family of Ukrainian trapeze artists.
It’s good that you want to create houses for everyone but how will you do it on your own? It took a Polish man a whole week to redecorate our bedroom and he didn’t even have to build it first. Are you both really handy with a trowel?
Perhaps you can get the Polish prince to help you. It’s the closest he’ll get to being Mayor. You may want to wait until he’s had his swordfight with Mr Farage though.
We live near Heathrow and like seeing the planes fly over. Sometimes we even wonder if they are going to land in our back garden. That would be exciting! It’s not very good when we’re watching Britain’s Got Talent and it’s too noisy for us to hear the judges (except when it’s Amanda talking).
Still, we’d like a third runway. All good things come in threes. Three Little Pigs. Three Bears. Three Musketeers. If nothing else, it would mean more planes for Mina to look at.
Do you like riding bikes as much as Mr Johnson? Lola’s just learning to ride hers. Anything you can do to make it safer would be great, particularly since she’ll be taking her stabilisers off soon. Perhaps you could replace the pavements with the rubber stuff they have in playgrounds. That would help a lot. In some playgrounds the rubber is pink. Perhaps you could use that kind. It would look very pretty next to Mr Johnson’s blue Cycle Superhighways.
It’s important to keep the outside pretty and clean. Mummy hates it when Lola steps in dog poo and has to get it off her shoes. Maybe the people who don’t clean up after their dogs could be put in prison. At least until the Government closes all of the prisons then maybe they could be deported to France because people don’t mind dog poo on their shoes there.
It would be nice to have cleaner air too. It’s not as if we’re growing up on Marylebone Road; there are lots of trees where we live. Nevertheless no one wants to hear that they live in one of the most polluted cities in Europe. We’re only kids so we’ll be breathing this air for many years to come and we can’t even drive so it’s not us making it dirty. Get the baddies who are doing it.
And talking of baddies….
Lola is scared of lots of things like dogs and putting her head under water and falling off her bike (this is why we really like the pink rubber idea). And the terrorists. Who isn’t scared of the terrorists? Mr Goldsmith, we know you know we all are.
Mina is a baby and so is mostly scared of unexpected loud noises, but chances are she’ll be scared of the terrorists as well when she grows up.
So it’s good to know that you both want to stop them from blowing up London. How are you going to do that? It’s probably an easier job for Mr Khan since he knows a lot of them already but we have a suggestion.
Get the Disney Princesses to help. The combined might of the world’s democratic nations may have failed to crush ISIS, but faced with Elsa’s ice powers, Rapunzel’s frying pan and Merida’s arrows, they wouldn’t have a chance. At the very least they could chase the baddies outside the M25 then it would be someone else’s problem and you could focus on building those houses.
Thank you for your time. We know you’re both very busy but we’re sure you’ll do a good job. And even if you don’t, there are ways you can stop people noticing. For example, if you get stuck on a zip wire now and again, people will be so distracted that they won’t care that only six people a day use the Emirates cable car. It’s been proven to work.
So good luck. You’ve got your hands on our city now and we expect a lot.
Lots of love,
Lola (aged four and a half) and Mina (aged nine months)
P.S. Do you have a cat like the other Mayor of London (the first one, not Mr Johnson)? Is your cat on YouTube? What’s its name? It’s not Shark Cat, is it?
P.P.S. We hope you like Lola’s picture of the two of you. She thought it would be nice to draw you holding hands to show that you’re good friends deep down.